How to Style Leather Biker Shorts: A Story of Poorly Spent Time on the Internet

We start with the bike shorts. You probably already have these, you know, leather bike shorts for spin class. Or casual Friday. Or prom all those years ago if you invested.

Last night, I didn’t want to read my book. I didn’t want to wash the dishes. James wasn’t ready to watch TV. So I did the only thing available to me: online shopping without the intent to buy. I pretty much hate this kind of online shopping. I normally either find a lot of things I actually do want to buy, which was not the plan, or I find a lot of stupid things and end the session feeling like I have wasted my life unfashionably. But, it was the only thing available for me to do, so I made the most of it.

It has been a while since I wrote about online shopping, but I after last night, I feel like it is time to write again.

I stumbled immediately on this page, and I knew it was a find-a-lot-of-stupid-things kind of session. I mean, a whole guide–from Nordstrom–on two ways to style bike shorts.

We start with the bike shorts. You probably already have these ones, you know, leather bike shorts for spin class. Or casual Friday. Or prom all those years ago if you invested. (If you don’t have them, don’t worry. They’re also for sale).

Now. Style. Them.

If you’re running errands, you can pair it with your favorite windbreaker from the 80s. Not an ACTUAL windbreaker from the 80s because no one saved those. A new one, but is $130. Then throw on your favorite pair of metallic designer sneakers so people know you’re running errands, not actually running, and you’re set.

Or maybe you are hitting the town. This shorts will take you there with a few quick changes. Add a 7-strand crystal necklace. The Nordstrom one is only $80, so save your diamonds. Then add super high-heeled boots. Preferably with spikes. Or leopard print. OR BOTH. Then just throw on a jean jacket. Not even a shirt–just the jacket. Boom. Night out (not at any of the places I have ever, ever been, though, so you have to decide where to go on your own.)

I hope you are as edified as I am. You might be wondering if it ended up turning into one of those online shopping nights were I find too many things to buy. You’ll just have to wait and see me and my biker shorts this weekend. 😉

Online shopping and a “Night Out”: not for me

It is time to update my wardrobe. Every so often, I realize that I have so many things that I do not love and I want to purge it all and start over. (Then I realize that is too much work and so I  just donate a few things and buy tee shirts at Target and more workout pants.)

I am trying to switch to a model that I am calling “European” (it’s fancy, not lazy) where I have fewer things that I completely love. To accomplish this model, I have to be much more thoughtful about my shopping: not just things that are kind-of cute or on big sale. Things that fit a particular hole in my wardrobe, that pair with other things already in my wardrobe, that make me feel amazing.

I started browsing online. Lately I have been feeling pretty cool towards online shopping because there are 2,397,000 “tops” in the world and I need them to be better curated. How do you even find stores that sell things you like online? How long are you other online clothing shoppers spending at this? I think I could spend an hour a day just finding stores that might sell things I like; then I have to carve out more time to actually look at those things. And in the end, the checkout process takes longer than I think it will and I give up and go read a magazine. Am I alone in thinking that successful online shopping sounds like black magic? No wonder I subsist on $12 “Favorite” tees I get when I’m actually shopping for toilet paper and cheaper-than-at-the-grocery-store juice boxes. Plus, if your kid gets a runny nose when you’re out of the house and you don’t have a tissue handy. . . well, you know, favorite tee to the rescue.

 But, I am ready to class it up. (Low bar, right?) So I have been shopping at Nordstrom. A great start, to be sure, and I am obsessed with their return policy–which might be the most important part of shopping–but it still leaves a lot to be desired.

Take, for example, the Night Out tops selection for women, sampled online on May 5, 2015. I am looking for things that I can still wear to work but are perfect for date night. Nordstrom is a classy place, so I figured they’d catch my ‘married-with-kids, trying-to-stay-awake-past-10’ date night vibe. I guess not. As I scrolled through pages of options, I felt like a stranger to this planet.

Who wears that? Never, in my entire life, have I seen someone wear something like that. And I thought I had been to lots of places.

Where do you go such that you feel like that is a good idea? Are the other people sequined racerback tankwearing things like this as well? I grant that a lot of it is probably “clubbing” attire (do they still call it that?  Last time I went I wore a work blouse and stood in the back complained about how loud it was.) But clubs are dirty and the people don’t care what you’re wearing because its dark and everyone kind of smells. So, who is buying the $1,400 sequined racerback tank for those events? And what do they do if the “Night Out” occurs on a cold evening?

Are old people–like, over the age of 24–allowed to “Go out”? I mean, I thought that is what I was doing all of these years on Saturday nights with MI, but it seems like I DO NOT have any of the clothes I need for it. So, I guess I have been doing something else.  What have I been doing?night out sheer tunic

Clearly, I am out of my league here. I have given up online shopping (just like I did in a fit of anger in 2012) and set up a consultation with a personal stylist.

She asked me to send ideas of what I liked; I found some things. But a large part of my email was dedicated to “Things I Don’t Like,” in which I mostly felt like I was describing . . . clothes these days.

I am quite curious to see what she comes up with.

If all else fails, I can fall back on wearing gym clothes all day. My happy place.