Frosting, Raisins, Rabbits and Other Reasons My Kids Totally Lost It

My kids are in an emotionally volatile place.

Right now, because it is afternoon, but they don’t really nap anymore.

Later this afternoon, because they won’t have had dinner yet.

In the late evening because they ARE NOT TIRED.

Tomorrow, because it will be a school day.

And, just generally, because they are children.

I haven’t decided if all of the sobbing is because they are deranged, emotional messes who cannot yet control themselves, or because they are still in touch with the true meaning of life and capable of feeling deeply and so expressing without shame.

Either way, they are exhausting, but often hilarious at the same time.

Reasons, of late, my kids have completely lost it:

  1. I put golden raisins in the Amazeballs.Amazeballs
  2. She remembered–after waking up in the dead of the night–that the piece of cake she was given at her classmate’s birthday party last week fell over on its side and she couldn’t see the frosting.

    The horror
    The horror
  3. I unzipped her dress when it was stuck over her head. (She could have done that herself.)
  4. I did not come immediately to help when it turned out she could NOT do it by herself.
  5. I said that we would never get a pet rabbit.
  6. I explained *why* we would never get a pet rabbit–they like to hop freely in the green grass with their families–and she cried that other people could be so cruel as to keep pet rabbits.pet rabbits
  7. I told her that her shoes were on the wrong feet.
  8. I threw away her broken Easter basket in July.
  9. Her sister sprayed her with the hose when they were outside, naked, playing with the hose.
  10. I said she could not have pasta for breakfast.
  11. I played the Kidz Bop version of “Shake It Off,” instead of the real version by Taylor Swift.
  12. I took the HOV lane, when she wanted to follow the red car in the slow lane.
  13. Today is Tuesday. She hates Tuesday.
  14. Her sister forgot to refer to her by her pretend name of “Disney Toy Collector.”
  15. I would not drink the fairy pond water in the pink plastic teacup that was “just for me.”
  16. D2: The cupcakes should be purple.IMG_20150315_115608242
    Ella: The cupcakes should be pink.
    D2: The cupcakes HAVE TO BE PURPLE.
    Ella: Purple gives me a headache!
    D2: No it doesn’t–and grandma already told me they could be purple.
    Ella: If they are purple, I will not eat them. Not. at. all.
    D2: Fine, I will eat them all myself because purple is my favorite.
    Ella: Mooooooom, its not fair! She said she was going to eat ALLL the cupcakes.
  17. She begged to go to gymnastics camp, so I signed her up for gymnastics camp, and then made her go to gymnastics camp.
  18. Her mermaid doll can not stand up by itself on the tip of its tail.
  19. Her book does not stand upright in the carseat cupholder.
  20. I threw away the pink pig she made yesterday out of a paper dinner plate. (Apparently it was a special pig that we were supposed to keep forever.)
  21. She asked me if we could move to Florida, and I said, “Not today.”
  22. I decided to wear slacks to work instead of a dress.

Amazeballs.

This blog will not just be about my kids. They are probably the funniest thing in my life, and I want this blog to be funny. But they take over pretty much everything and I have to fight back. So I am going to post a recipe. It is easy, it is healthy, it is “Amazeballs.” (Don’t worry; its not “amazeballs,” the annoying pop-star term. This is a classy recipe.)

Amazeballs
Adapted from a recipe on Gimme Some Oven.

1 cup rolled oats (like Quaker Oatmeal)

2/3 cup of wheat bran (sometimes tricky to find. I can usually find it in fancy grocery stores in the bulk grains section. Whole Foods and Fresh Market, for example. You can also order online.)
1/2 cup chocolate chips (or peanut butter chips or mini peanut butter cups)
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/3 cup honey
1 Tbs. Chia seeds
1 tsp vanilla
That’s it.  Put them all in a bowl, mix thoroughly, shape into balls. Store them in the refrigerator. Its a really flexible recipe, so play around. I added pretzel bits once, cranberries instead of chocolate chips, etc.  This is my go-to, though.

Amazeballs are good for:

  • Workout recovery. For physical activity of any kind.
  • Pre-workout snack when your running buddy convinced you to get up way earlier than people should be up and you feel kind of nauseated at the idea of moving.
  • A sweet-but-healthy addition to when you brown bag at work. (You packed a lunch!  Amazeballs! You deserve a treat.)
  • When your husband doesn’t pack himself a lunch because the family is out of time in the morning, but you know he won’t buy anything because he’s frugal about the over-priced cafeteria and doesn’t like to leave his desk, so you quickly throw some snacks, like Amazeballs, into a bag. It’s better than nothing!
  • For breakfast for your children because they think it tastes like cookie dough but you know it has protein and complex carbs. In fact, from a nutritional perspective, you pretend they ate scrambled eggs and toast. (Why won’t they just eat scrambled eggs and toast!?)
  • When you get home from work and you should make dinner but you can’t because you’re too hungry and drained of energy. Eat an Amazeball to revive yourself and you’ll be ready to cook in no time. Or, more realistically, eat two, give them to the kids as well, and buy yourself another 40 minutes until you think of something/have cereal.